Jean on Problem Solving

Recently I ran across a letter I wrote but never sent. It was addressed to an industry acquaintance I worked with periodically. I wasn’t sure she would be able to “hear” what I was trying to say; I imagined that my letter might just make the situation worse. So I never sent the letter.

Here was the situation that caused me to write the woman I’ll call Janice. In my view, Janice really needed to get her act together. She had gone through a difficult personal time – all would agree on that. However, it was my belief that her publicizing of personal troubles in industry settings had gone on for far too long. Not only did I observe that others were rolling their eyes when she began to “share,” I knew that her neediness was being discussed behind her back. At the time I thought I would be doing her a favor if I confronted her and suggested that she consider limiting what she said about her personal life in our industry forums.

But I wimped out and never sent the letter.

Years later now, I wish I had sent it anyway. Yes, maybe my letter could have helped Janice, who was eventually ostracized and very hurt by the way things ended. But the real reason I wish I had been gutsy enough to speak to Janice back then is that I now wish someone had written a similar letter to me.

I now see that I too let a painful personal situation became a topic of conversation in inappropriate settings. My drama expanded to affect other people’s lives as I reached out in a feeble attempt to cope. As I look back I understand that emotion-focused coping is natural and needed, but I wish I had handled things better than I did back then. Surely someone could have written me a carefully worded letter or, even better, spoken to me face to face. I needed to understand the truth about how my behavior was being received so that I could change for the better. When others in my life avoided telling me the truth, things got worse for me, not better.

We easily recognize when people around us aren’t coping as well as they could. While it might seem safer not to hold up the “behavior mirror” for others, if you truly care about them you’ll want to help them learn to cope. Speaking the truth as you see it may help the troubled person see how their own actions may be getting in the way of their happiness. They may not thank you right away, but they should eventually. I know I would.