The man spoke urgently, throwing his words together much faster than usual, a short burst of syllables followed quickly by a torrent. His father, it seemed, had died weeks before. Even though the passing wasn’t unexpected, my friend was feeling the loss. And the worst part about it, he said, was that the family, after choosing cremation, had planned a memorial service still months away. My friend “just had to talk about his Dad” and with no official funeral having taken place he could keep his feelings bottled up inside no longer.
My friend reached out to me, as he had to others. He was using us for emotion-focused coping. This was a normal – and healthy – thing to do after having experienced a loss.
In the workplace, however, emotion-focused coping can definitely cause problems. We know from earlier articles that there are generally three types of behaviors that take place as people cope with crisis in their lives: problem-focused behaviors, emotion-focused behaviors and avoidance behaviors. For the most part, mentally healthy adults exhibit both problem-focused behaviors (such as list making, planning and scenario-analysis) and emotion-focused behaviors (talking with friends, taking comfort in religion and trying to find the good in the situation) in the weeks and months after a disturbance. The trouble starts when a person ignores emotions completely or when they focus only on emotions without taking steps to focus on more logical actions. (People who exhibit avoidance behaviors only, such as drinking too much, refusing to acknowledge the situation or putting more on the line than is appropriate, are at great risk and should be advised to seek professional help.)
Here are ideas you can use to help those in your workplace who are exhibiting excessive emotion-focused coping behaviors:
1) Offer your condolences if appropriate and state that you know some time may be needed for them to regain their equilibrium given what they have experienced.
2) Express your confidence that they will be able to cope successfully.
3) Explain available options for outside assistance; confidential counseling offered through an employee assistance program is ideal. Resources are also often available through community groups or religious organizations.
4) Be careful not to share personal information about one employee with another. If the employee wishes to share with other employees that is one thing; you should maintain the employee’s confidence.
5) Should the emotion-focused coping go on for too long or begin to disrupt team effectiveness, you must confront the employee and offer constructive feedback about how the emotion-focused coping behavior is impacting the workplace. Be sensitive as you offer your guidance, but do not cross the line and become your employee’s psychotherapist. You are not qualified to offer such advice, even if your intentions are pure.
6) Continue to offer your encouragement to the employee while pushing them to maintain a high standard of professional behavior at work.
7) Do not be surprised, should the employee fail to cope successfully, if you are eventually required to terminate them for cause. While this is a worst case scenario, it is a possibility you cannot afford to ignore.
Each of us may face moments, even months or years, of crises in our lives. If we learn to recognize successful coping strategies, we will be well positioned to help our colleagues as they face theirs.